Diary of a First Child Natural Parenting in the Real World

My name is Luschka.  I am 29 years old, married for 4 years. Today I found out that I am pregnant.  I always wondered how it would feel.  I always wondered if I’d know before the test showed it. I always wondered how I would tell my husband.  I guess by the time I go to bed tonight, I’ll know.

For the first 17 or so years of my life, I vowed I’d never have kids – who’d want to inflict this life on a child? Then I became involved with a guy who hated kids and was certain he never wanted any, which suited me.  I’m not sure if he still feels that way today, I’ve not seen him in about 9 years.  After him I fell in love with someone who for the first time in my life I could imagine having kids with.  That didn’t work out and again I wasn’t interested in kids, until I met my husband, Martin.  I’ve always thought he’d make a really good dad.  So we’ve been together for six years, married for four and I’ve wanted to start a family for most of that time, but our lives haven’t really allowed it.  We’ve moved a lot, changed jobs, travelled in non-family friendly ways – in fact mentioning family friendly, I’m looking around my lounge.  I’m going to have to move the Murano vase and move my grandmother’s serving dishes somewhere else.

Am I ready for this?  Well… I’ve wanted it for long enough. I guess I’ll become ready.  We have been trying, but knowing full well that this sometimes takes years for healthy people. I have been feeling very unwell for a few days – feverish, nauseous and one of my breasts really hurts, but since my period only ended a few days ago I decided I was feeling this way because of the virus that’s going around.  On my way home from work today (early, to get some rest) I stopped in to buy a pregnancy test as I figure its always better to be safe than sorry.  I was lying on the couch waiting to need the loo. Well, details aside, the test came up positive immediately.  I started crying, and laughing and crying alternately.  I always wondered how it would feel.  Now I know.

I am scared. Happy. But very scared. I don’t have a permanent job, so this could be a problem for us – but I believe in God and I believe that every child is his creation.  He hasn’t made me conceive for the first time in 11 years of sexual activity just to dump us in to poverty.  No.  I am happy and a little scared and I can’t wait for Martin to get home so I can tell him.  He was meant to go out with colleagues tonight, but he called to tell me he is coming home instead – what a surprise he’s coming home to.

Here’s something I wrote in September 2001 following a dream where I was pregnant

Mommy loves you