Finding Out

My name is Luschka.  I am 29 years old, married for 4 years. Today I found out that I am pregnant.  I always wondered how it would feel.  I always wondered if I’d know before the test showed it. I always wondered how I would tell my husband.  I guess by the time I go to bed tonight, I’ll know.

For the first 17 or so years of my life, I vowed I’d never have kids – who’d want to inflict this life on a child? Then I became involved with a guy who hated kids and was certain he never wanted any, which suited me. I’m not sure if he still feels that way today, I’ve not seen him in about 9 years.  After him I fell in love with someone who for the first time in my life I could imagine having kids with. That didn’t work out and again I wasn’t interested in kids, until I met my husband.  I’ve always thought he’d make a really good dad.  So we’ve been together for six years, married for four and I’ve wanted to start a family for most of that time, but our lives haven’t really allowed it. We’ve moved a lot, changed jobs, travelled in non-family friendly ways – in fact mentioning family friendly, I’m looking around my lounge.  I’m going to have to move the Murano vase and my grandmother’s serving dishes somewhere else.

Am I ready for this?  Well… I’ve wanted it for long enough. I guess I’ll become ready. We have been trying, but knowing full well that this sometimes takes years for healthy people. I have been feeling very unwell for a few days – feverish, nauseous and one of my breasts really hurts, but since my period only ended a few days agoI decided I was feeling this way because of the virus that’s going around. On my way home from work today (early, to get some rest) I stopped in to buy a pregnancy test as I figure its always better to be safe than sorry.  I was lying on the couch waiting to need the loo. Well, details aside, the test came up positive immediately.  I started crying, and laughing and crying alternately.  I always wondered how it would feel.  Now I know.

I am scared. Happy. But very scared. I don’t have a permanent job, so this could be a problem for us – but I believe in God and I believe that every child is his creation.  He hasn’t made me conceive for the first time in 11 years of sexual activity just to dump us in to poverty.  No.  I am happy and a little scared and I can’t wait for Martin to get home so I can tell him.  He was meant to go out with colleagues tonight, but he called to tell me he is coming home instead – what a surprise he’s coming home to.

It’s funny, I’ve been wanting this for years. We’ve not done a lot in terms of prevention for a while now. On Christmas he told me he was ready. It’s been four weeks, and thinking back now, I have known for three of them. I haven’t been able to stomach even the smell of coffee. I’ve made my way through three packs of tests already, but this is the first positive. So here we are. This is finally real.

Here’s something I wrote in September 2001 following a dream where I was pregnant:

Mommy loves you

Mommy loves you,
this is true
although you are not born yetI feel you within me
how can it be
something pure and perfect from me?I can’t wait to hold you
to feed you
to see your little body grow

I long to feel you kick
but you are still too small
this journey’s so unique

But for now, in the meantime
There’ll be no harm from me
for I love you completely

I wonder how your daddy feels,
he hasn’t said to much to me
but when we lie in bed

do you hear him talk to you?
I see him smile and I feel happy
our family will be complete

Mommy loves you
so have no concern
we’ll prepare this world for you